From the Department of Unsubtle Unconscious

My subconscious clearly needed to work some issues out around creativity and pregnancy with last night's dream. Not much room for interpretation here. When I wrote it down, I had to shake my head at myself. I appreciate that my brain spelled out exactly my most frightening fear about becoming a mother in such an elegant scene. Thanks, brain!

In the dream, I'm a background actor portraying Georgia O'Keeffe on a film shoot in New York City. The movie is about the mafia or some other subject altogether; this is just a cameo.

In the scene, O'Keeffe has just arrived in New York and is dazzled not by the skyscrapers, but by the blank space between them. As Georgia, I take stunning photos of the sky with an antique camera, steeped with inspiration, and say pithy quotes that inspire the other famous artists with whom I'm walking.

The director wraps that scene, so I go back to the extras holding area, waiting in case I'm called to play another role. When I get there, I realize two things:
1) I didn't bring a change of clothing with me -- I only have clothes to play Georgia O'Keeffe, and
2) I'm visibly pregnant! I can't be Georgia O'Keeffe if I'm pregnant!

I approach the middle-aged extras wrangler and tell her my dilemma. Annoyed, she reprimands me for not bringing this to anyone's attention. I'm so embarrassed - why didn't I tell anyone? Why didn't anyone else notice? Now the footage is ruined and they'll have to reshoot the scene.

She finally looks at her clipboard and says, "It doesn't matter. We double-booked this role, so we can shoot it again later." She motions to the other actor on board to play Georgia O'Keeffe -- it's an old, hunched-over woman, a crone, in ragged clothing.

Edited 10:34 a.m.: I just looked at my calendar, and guess who was born today in 1887? Yes. Georgia O'Keeffe. I'm going to take this dream as a birthday visitation meant to reassure me that just because I'm not taking her exact path, I can still be a legendary artist.

And yes, I do write the birth dates of my favorite women artists and writers on my calendar. I like having them there amongst my friends' birthdays, too.

This is why I love my friends.

The conversation from my Facebook profile update today:

I think the Bisquick we just used was past its prime.
10 hours ago

Judy Spradley
So...was it Bis-slow instead? or Bis-LOW?

Jennifer Gandin Le
Definitely Bis-Low. The biscuits didn't rise, and they made the lower regions of my body feel not-so-great.

Dave Tuck
I did that with some ready mix Pizza Crust one time. It was foul and of COURSE I ate it anyways. Ugh. This is why Al Qaeda hates us.

Jennifer Gandin Le
I'm such a sucker for bread products that even though the biscuits were stale, flat, and kind of sour, I still used them as a butter-delivery device. Such a bready idiot! I haven't had any violent allergic reactions so far, so that's good.

Dave Tuck
Butter Delivery is the root of 90% of my problems so TRUST me.. I get it. In my heyday I would make a whole bowl of pasta just so that I could get melted butter into me more efficiently. I. UNDERSTAND. *sigh*

Beth Elliott
butter delivery, i am cracking up

Dave Tuck
Dont laugh! Its no joke!! Treating innocent pieces of food like a FedEx truck for margarine is not cool or healthy!! I mean it tastes awesome and it makes the inside of your stomach feel like its being hugged my the lady from The Facts of Life.. but its still wrong!!

"My son is gay" and It's a Baby!

You've probably already read this, but I have to repost it here, because dang, this woman is smart, funny, and right on target.

My Son is Gay at Nerdy Apple Bottom

I laughed aloud when I read this:

"If you think that me allowing my son to be a female character for Halloween is somehow going to ‘make’ him gay then you are an idiot. Firstly, what a ridiculous concept. Secondly, if my son is gay, OK. I will love him no less. Thirdly, I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off."

EXACTLY.

This is why it is so important to me that we wait until our baby is born to find out its sex.

I read Adrienne Rich during my junior year of college, and I cried a little when I came upon the passage where she wished for all human beings that when a baby is born, the exclamation isn't, "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" but "It's a baby!"

You may call me naive or sentimental for finding this so important, but stories like the above -- and recent news -- illustrate why this is not just a matter of semantics.

I will not allow myself or anyone else to project their gender baggage onto my baby while it's still developing in my womb. Our baby will have to deal with gender assumptions, pressure/bullying, socialization, and choices soon enough.

S/he can live beyond gender for a few months more, while s/he is still in my body.

Your Tool is Not Your Art

I'm 301 days into my Project 365, and I've definitely hit another wall. Mostly, it's that I've gotten lazy. There are so many other wonderful things that I'm giving my attention, and lately, going outside to make sure and take a thoughtful photo hasn't been one of those things.

I'm still fairly new to digital SLR photography, but I'm not new to procrastination and tool-fetishizing. ("I NEED that new laptop/fountain pen/Moleskine/writing desk/writing space so I can move forward in my craft/art!") This is such a handy procrastination tool: since there's no way you can just go out and buy that oh-so-required tool right away, you can blame your inaction on lacking that tool.

Last night, I browsed onto 's great review site to look at what wide angle lens I'd like to get early in 2011. While there, I fell upon his "Your Camera Doesn't Matter" article, which brought me back to reality:

Ernst Haas commented on this in a workshop in 1985:

Two laddies from Nova Scotia had made a huge effort to be there and were great Leica fans, worked in a camera store, saved to have them and held Ernst on high for being a Leica user (although he used Nikons on his Marlboro shoots, when the chips were down).

About four days into the workshop, he finally maxxed out on the Leica adoration these kids displayed, and in the midst of a discussion, when one of them asked one more question aimed at establishing the superiority of Wetzlar, Ernst said, "Leica, schmeica. The camera doesn't make a bit of difference. All of them can record what you are seeing. But, you have to SEE."

Nobody talked about Leica, Nikon, Canon or any other brand of camera equipment for the rest of the workshop.

He also said, "Best wide-angle lens? 'Two steps backward' and 'look for the ah-ha'."

Right. Haha. Buying a new lens will be fun and will satisfy my American-consumer-impulses. But it won't make me a better photographer overnight. What will make me a better photographer is stepping outside as often as possible, taking a moment to breathe, and SEEING. It's easy to do on vacation, and it's much more challenging to do in everyday life.

But it's always worth it.

Homicidal Idyll

an old poem found in my clearing-out

While sitting in a cafe nook,
Two men gabbed quite nearby.
With my in hand, one man leaned in,
(Advice time, guy to guy):

"Even in a long-term love,
A crush is still okay.
Like how we all consider killing
Someone every day."

I cocked my head, tried not to laugh,
And though I can't quite hate him,
If you meet him in a bar,
Dear Reader, please don't date him.